Attachment is a prime driver.
We are wired to bond with others from the moment we are born. Initially that’s with parents (no matter how good or bad they are), and what we learn from them in the first two years of life provide the lifelong template for later years of relating (often a woefully inadequate one).
Then, as adults, we (starting to separate out from our family of origin), fall in love. Initially we feel pretty happy, and we know how to put our best foot forward, eager to please our new friend and make them feel good. Once the honeymoon hormones wear off, our differences are exposed. The thing is, we didn’t need any skills when we fell in love – it just happened to us, but then life gets more complex (including when we have children).
Our partners seem to change, they’re no longer the person we thought they were or want them to be. This inevitably leads to stress and conflict. Then suddenly we have to have complex skills to be able to collaborate and navigate this next, harder stage of relationship, skills we just don’t have (you can’t know what you haven’t learned). So couples begin to have negative emotional experiences and perhaps to fight or behave badly – our early learned patterns (of attachment) emerge again, and we begin to lose safety and trust with the other (essential ingredients for growing in relationships). It’s no longer fun to engage in just parallel play, and we have to learn how to contribute to each other’s positive emotional ‘bank account’.
Pursuer and Distancer
However, typically, a couple has two learned ways of dealing with difficulties of this kind. One is to withdraw or distance/avoid (energy saving – minimising), and the other is to pursue (energy increasing – maximising). These strategies are an attempt to increase personal safety, and if that is not recognised, leads to conflict (and doesn’t work). The pursuer seeks closeness to feel safe and the distancer seeks space to feel safe. This is PAD or the “Pursuer-Avoider-Dynamic, and it seems to be universal, and while other patterns exist, it is common for a pursuer to be drawn to a distancer. Both are trying their best to survive and yet both also desire connection. So what is needed are strategies to help calm each other’s nervous system, slow down, connect and deal with their different needs.
This means learning to balance two ideas that are in tension – one is that of sovereignty or freedom, and the other of connection and togetherness.
Two worlds
The truth is that each of us is “sovereign” in ourselves and experience the world through our own senses i.e. “I’m me, I think this way, I feel differently to you, I’m in charge of myself and how I process my experience”, and “you’re in your own land, you’re different, in charge of your own world, and responsible for dealing effectively with your experience”. The relationship exists “in-between” the two and must be nurtured.
In order to build and maintain connection, we have to have a “bridge” between our two separate worlds. The early days of romance provided that bridge via our attraction – while we might have been “blind”, strong feelings joined us and gave us hope (and a taste of what is possible in connection). But now we have to create a new bridge to balance our separateness and togetherness, creating a new connection not reliant on “nature’s anaesthesia” (the powerful love hormones that initially brought us together).
That means finding ways to live with the crazy person we have chosen – to understand ourselves and to understand them, and marvel at the differences. When that is done well, we call that “differentiation”, but the process to get there often involves a painful “power struggle”.
Differentiation means “I can be connected to you without violating your freedom. I can explore your craziness and see you as you are, and I don’t need to give up me in order to connect with you”. We learn to accept and embrace each other’s differences and idiosyncrasies.
In relationships, men are more likely to privilege their own space/sovereignty, be more independent, and more easily feel intruded on. They are often but not always, what we call avoiders. That seems true for 80% of guys – that’s the way they are socialized – men are more likely to learn to look out for themselves, feel safer if they avoid closeness, which feels dangerous or threatening. They may be more sensitive to being criticized and shamed, and tend to auto-regulate, often by taking charge, being in control, and building walls to protect themselves against any vulnerable feelings (too often either not knowing, or being poor at communicating, what is going on in their own world, and mostly just operating on automatic mode).
On the other hand, the pursuer’s drive (80% women) is to be closer and more connected, and their secret fear is being abandoned. They more easily feel hurt, overlooked or unseen, and they will pursue the connection and closeness even as it causes anger, fear or resentment. When they can’t get the closeness they need, and their efforts are continually rebuffed, they may be the first to decide to exit the relationship (to the great surprise of the avoider).
Both need to get past the impasse and find a safe way to communicate and meet different needs. When there is distress, avoiders seem to need the pursuer to back off, and maybe give an “invitation” to do something differently, or ask a “specific” question so they have some time to consider, and they feel like they have a choice. Pursuers actually need avoiders to start to initiate moves towards them – not an easy task for distancers (and ideally if pursuers are distressed – “flood them” with good feelings), actions you can take so they know you do care.
Brain hack
While the “daily dialogue” is a powerful tool, first we need a brain hack. Gottman gives us the clue. His research found that “secure couples” have at least 5 positive interactions for every negative one. Couples in strife are deeply in the negative ratio. This is important to change, if we want to move forward and allow for other possibilities.
Most couples don’t want to just dwell in their problems but want to experience joy and feel some happiness and pleasure with the person they’re with. To do that we adopt this “brain hack” by offering each other what we call “appreciations”. This can calm the nervous system, begin to build up some positive “emotional credit”, and help each other be more loving.
Appreciations
It does this by moving the focus intentionally from a negative perspective – what we see as bad, to a more positive and generative view – what we see is still good about the other person. Things we value, like, admire, maybe even just remembering the positive and worthwhile. We all want to be valued.
If you do nothing else for the next weeks, offering a simple appreciation every day is a powerful way to change the dynamic of entrenched negative patterns. Mirroring those appreciations is also helpful, as both partners move from a negative limbic valence, into an intentional space and activate a more integrated brain for positive exchanges and new experiences, for your own benefit and wellbeing.
The Secrets
- The latter is the first ‘secret’ to being better communicators. It’s simple but not easy. Try it for a week.
- A second is knowing how to “read each other” accurately – which we can learn.
- A third is knowing how to start difficult conversations, and move fairly quickly through conflictual situations, by understanding each other’s world, even if you don’t agree with each other.
- A fourth is knowing how to nurture safety and trust, and how to repair if there has been a breach of either.
- A fifth is knowing how to collaborate in the myriad challenges of living and loving, with another human being who is profoundly different from us. This is the measure of real success.
N.B. this is an introduction to the many challenges and possibilities of being a dyad without killing each other, and a more extensive explanation of these and other issues that arise in coupledom can be found in “The Five Secrets” at www.relate.online, for less than a cup of coffee per week.
If you are already in therapy, that material will radically speed up your progress and reduce the time you need working with a therapist. If this is helpful, please let me know.
(Also see PAD video in link above)