Here’s the rub.
With a couple in relationship, we have two very different worlds – each is valid in an integrated, whole, coherent way within itself. However, this is often not seen in that way by the other.
For there to be movement/healing/growth in relationship, any one (ideally both) world, needs to feel seen, heard and understood (not necessarily agreed with).
Real space is created when there is validation and empathy for one’s reality and it is not threatened with annihilation i.e. each partner requires a sense of safety. Only then is there a possibility of vulnerability meeting vulnerability – and that is where both growth and healing lies.
So safety comes first and that is initially the job of any therapist – to hold the space and the possibility of change – otherwise the two realities are like water and oil (so maybe therapist is initially like soap – from immiscibility to transformation).
Every dialogue, if managed well, takes difference and builds understanding and connection, bit by bit. And it builds self, through differentiation! A dialogue doesn’t solve difference, it uses difference to encourage growth of the individuals. And it does that through one seeing the other differently and being motivated to step up and stretch to give what the other needs – often a deficit of childhood years, so that healing can come from having needs meet, often the need first, to be seen, heard and understood.